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terim
I have not written here in some time.  I think it's been a year or longer.  There really is not anything new in my life except the weight I have gained. lol  But really, I have been gaining so much weight and I am not really sure why.  I am not eating more than before and I am doing to same amount of exercise.  I mean the exercise I do is non existent, still it .  I have to loose about 120lbs.  I have been thinking about a weight loss program at the Miriam Hospital.  I have to call the insurance company to see if they will cover some or all of the cost.  It is expensive, over $800.  You do a stress test, counseling, blood work and meetings.  I may not even qualify because I am on all kind of anti-psychotic meds.  I have Bi-Polar, another thing, the drugs I am on may be contributing to my weight gain. I have been on these meds. for years so I cant really see it being from that.  I even got so nervous, I took a pregnancy test.  Negative of course.  So I don't know what else it could be.  Any ideas as to why someone could just gain approximately 30 lbs in about 7 months?  I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life, and I am miserable to say the least.   My clothes don't fit, so I am spending money on that, causing Peter to become disappointed in me.  Which then causes me to get down.  Which causes me to eat, which makes me feel like crap because I am gaining weight.  ahhhhhh  I think I need help with this one.  

Well  I am going to call the insurance company now.  Wish me luck.....

Current Mood: annoyed annoyed

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I finally finished the group at Butler.  Yeah!!  It was really great to revisit some old topics   I had a good time there.  The people are just as messed up as I am.  :-)   Some of them are really messed up though.  It made my problems seem small compared to others.  I felt really bad for them and wished I could give them a hug or tell them that it would be ok, but most people don't believe it.  I did make  friends with one girl, Alyssa.  She is younger than I, and seems very nice.  I am looking forward to getting to know her better.  But, I have written to her 2x's and I have not heard from her. I have talked to her on the phone.  I hope she is not blowing me off.  But if she is, then so be it.  It  just sucks, I have a hard time making friends.  I have always been that way.  I wonder why people don't like me or what's wrong with me?  I know that is not a healthy was of looking at things, but I cant help it.    The only real friend I have is my husband.  oh boohoo.  ;-0  I know quit your belling aching. 

Sebastian is doing good.  We had a teachers meeting on Friday.  It went better than I thought it would.  She was concerned about his temper.  I guess he had a couple of blips of anger.  But he is 7, they are not always going to have good days. Just like us.  He asks alot, when is snack or tells her that he has a belly ache.  The belly ache thing has been going on for a while now.  We are taking him to a Pedi. GI in December.  I hope it's stress that is causing his belly aches and not something more serious.  Stress is pretty serious also, so don't think I am minimizing that fact. 

Any who, I should go be with the family.  I have been hiding up in the den for over an hour now. 

Chat soon

~Teri

Current Location: home
Current Mood: calm calm
Current Music: none

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Well it's Monday the 10th.  I went to Butler Hospital today.  I had an intake with a woman there to see if I qualify for the woman's day program.  Guess what, I do.  It's a 5 day program that helps you try and understand your moods and ways to manage them.  I went through it once, about 5 years ago.  It helped alot.  I am just hoping that this time it will again.  I really need to be with other people who deal with the same problems.  This is going to sound funny, but it almost makes you feel normal.  I know some of you understand how that is.  I think the Lithium has been helping.  I feel a little less foggy in the head.  Like I am getting clear.  I am glad,  Although the shrink did say that I would be on a low dose for a couple of weeks and I should not feel much until we increase it.  So am really hoping that it works.  I cant stand being in a funk. 

Any who, I am signing off for now...

~Teri

Current Location: home
Current Mood: blah blah

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Well, yes it's been a very long time since I have written in my journal.  I really have not felt like being on line at all.  But things lately are not so good and thought I would write and see if it helps some. 

I have been really depressed lately.  So much that I have seen my shrink 2 times in the last month.  And I am seeing him again next week.  As a rule, I only see him once a month and my therapist every other week.  He changed my meds again.  It seems like they always need to be changed.  Like nothing works for me.  So he put me on Lithium.  I am really afraid to be on it.  I know many people are on it and it is used as a great tool for people who suffer from Bi-Polar, like me.  I am on 4 other meds also.  I just worry about the inside of my body.  What are all these drugs doing to me?  I cant loose weight and I am sure that the meds have something to do with that, along with not having any energy to do anything.  I cant even clean lately.  I know some people reading this may say, "just get over it",  but its not that easy.  I try, believe me.  I cant stand being like this.  I used to be one of the people who just went with the flow of life.  Now I am lucky if I can just get up and go.  I think of what everyone would do with out me, if I were not here.  I think about dying alot.  I don't think about suicide so to say, just being dead or dying.  I wonder if it would be easier on everyone, including my husband Peter.  He does so much for me.  I cant say thank you enough to him.  I don't know where I would be today if not for him.  He is my rock, when I feel like crying, it's ok with him.  He always says it's ok.  He always tell me not to worry about it that he will always be there.  But what if he should get sick of taking care of me? Then where would I be?  I try to be good and not get angry about anything, but it's hard some days.  I try not to spend money, it's one of the things we worry about the most and when I get depressed, I spend.  I blame that on my mom.  When I was younger, and got into a bad mood or was sad, my mom would give me her credit card and tell me to go shop.  So after years of that treatment, its a hard thing to break.  So, needless to say, when I am upset or sad, I spend.  I know we need to save money so we can move and go to Florida this year.  We are going in December.  I am not looking forward to it though.  Peter does not want to go.  The only person looking forward is Sebastian.  We are going with my dad, stepmom and niece, they cant wait.  I have not said anything to my dad about us not looking forward, he would be devastated.   We need to pay for our part.  $2500 plus spending money.  We have paid for the trip, but we don't have much time to save for spending money. 

Sebastian is in a catholic school and my husband is going crazy about it.  He does not want Sebastian in a catholic school.  We would like to sell the house and move to a better school district so he can go to public schools.  But with the economy the way it is, it's not going to happen anytime to soon that's for sure.  He has to go to mass and study religion.  He is in 1st grade.  Doing pretty good.  Not great, but good.  He is such a smart boy, we are surprised he is not doing better in school.  He tells me his teacher is mean.  She is a stern teacher and does tell him to redue is work because it is sloppy.  So maybe that is why he is not doing as good as he should be.  He does come home with 5s and 4s, but there are quite a few 3s and 2s in there, and there was even a 1 on a spelling test.  That was not acceptable.  Told him so too.  For those of you who do not know the grading system, 5=A, 4=B, 3=C, 2=D, 1= a big fat F. 

Right now I am listening to Darius Rucker.  He is a country singer, sings a song, Don't think I don't think about it.  If you go to his website you can listen to it.  It is a great song but I have listened to it about 30 times and am getting sick of it. 

I am going to sign off for now.  I hope I can get back to being on line more often.  It feels good to write stuff down.  There is so much more inside me, but I think this a good start. 

Take care all.......

Current Mood: blank blank
Current Music: Darius Rucker

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Today I went to the doctors for my right knee.  I have a torn miniscus.  (I am sure that is spelled incorrectly)  It has been bothering me for a little while, again.  So I went to have x-rays. He said that I need to work on my quads.  Get them good and strong and it will help.  Also, loose weight.  It really sucks to have a good looking doctor tell you you are fat.  :-)  No stairs and no squating.  Well I have to go up and down stairs so that is out of the question.  But I dont need to squat......yeah.  

Other stuff in my life is just the same.  Having no money really sucks!  I have to say that it's the hardest time for me in my adult life.  I have always been living paycheck to paycheck but for some reason it feels like we are really suffering.  I have a part time job, but I am only getting one day a week because of the time of year.  When it picks up I will get 2-3, and that will help some.  It still not enough though.  For personal reasons I cant work fulltime.  Its ok because I would rather be home for my son after school.  Gotta love mothers hours.

Well I should get back to the family.  They are probably wondering where I have gone off to.  And Sebastian needs a bath.  

Oh yeah, if looking for some good music, check out Daughtry's official web site.  They have 4 songs you can listen to for free.  Home is a great one.....

~Teri

Current Location: home
Current Mood: good good
Current Music: Daughtry

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 It's been about 12 weeks since I have last written.  Alot has been going on.  I have tried coming off my meds to have another baby.   It did not work so well.  After about 2 months of going down and down on meds, my mood kept going down and down.  I finally decided that it would be in every ones best interest that I stay on my meds.  So my doctor and I have been slowly getting me back to where I was.  So I have been really sad about not being able to come off my meds.  I really wanted to have another child.  And I know my husband wanted another and Sebastian really wants to have a sibling.  I just wish it was easy.  

Work is going ok.  Just part time 2-3 days a week, mothers hours, about 12 hours week.  That's enough.  I don't think I could handle any more than that.  There is so much petty shit that happens there its really not fun anymore.  You know, this one said that and this one did that.  I feel like I am in high school again.  I have been out of school for just about 23 years.  I have been with this company for a little over a year. 

Money has been a big issue for us lately.  As it seems is always the case.  But after the holidays, its always harder to deal with.  we got behind a month on bills and now we are paying for it.  We live paycheck to paycheck as it is, now it's even harder.  We got a notice in the mail that our oil bill has gone up to $406 a month.  We are in a contract and cant get out it.  The only good thing is that over the summer we probaly wont get a bill.  That's what happened last year.  

I started watching what I eat as of Monday.  It's been hard.  I want to join a gym, but no funds to do so.  There is one here in the city that's really cheap, $10. a month, and we cant afford that.  This really sucks.  I wish the weather was better than I could walk.  But it's so bleeping cold out that it's just not fun.  

Anywho, I am signing off for now.  Maybe I will write again befor 12 weeks.  :-) 

~Teri

Current Mood: anxious anxious

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Well tonight I start the reduction of Abilify.  (One of my four meds.)  This process of coming off my meds is going to be real slow.  I am not one to just sit around and wait.  Things need to be done now or not at all kind of gal.  Know what I mean?.  Peter says that I really need to take my time and be safe about lowering my meds.  I know he is right, really I do, it's just so bleeping hard.  

It's funny, the other day I was riding around doing errands and it ocurred to me that I was happy.  I kept wondering why.  I now know why.  It's because I have made the choice to go off meds and try for another baby.  There was a huge weight on me and I never knew it.  Now I feel so much lighter.  (Even if I have not lost any weight) hehe. 

Sebastian is doing great!  Still loving school, which I am really thankful for.  I hope he continues to like school.  He tells me he does not want to come home from school because he has no one to play with.  I feel really bad about this.  Other than that things on the homefront are going really well.   It feels good.  I hope it lasts for awhile.  

Anywho, I gotta get ironing.....

~Teri 

Current Location: home
Current Mood: good good

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 I have been feeling really good lately.  I have made the choice, I am going off meds and going to try for a baby!!  I cant wait.  I started the reduction of meds two weeks ago,  I feel good so far.  I cant wait to be off them for awhile.  Who knows maybe I wont need them.  (Who am I kidding?)  This is a good way to test the waters so to say.  I am really hoping that I can handle being off meds.  If I cant then at least I know I tried.  It wont make it any easier for me to know that I have failed at not one, but two things.  1, Not being able to come off meds, and 2, not being to have another baby, because I cant come off meds.  Here is hoping for the best, wish me luck.  

Other than that, things are about the same.  Family is all good.  I talked with my brother for sometime the other day on the phone, it was really weird. He is so busy that it's hard to get him for more than 5 mins.  so having a conversasion that lasted 1/2 an hour or so was, well, weird.  It was really nice, don't get me wrong, I love chatting with him.  I wish it was more often.  

Anywho, I am off to bed.

~Teri  

Current Location: home
Current Mood: chipper chipper
Current Music: none

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Well today was another good one.  I feel like I have made the choice to have another baby.  Now it's just talking more to Peter about it.  When I told him today that I was going to tell my doctor that I want to start coming off my meds, he said we really need to talk about this more.  I don't know what to think, he says he wants more children, then what more is there to think of?  We have talked about this for some time now and it's time to just do it.  If we don't now, then when?  

Any who, I just thought I would write about that.  

Oh, one of my favorite bands, the lead singer just went solo.  Pat Monahan from Train.  His new album comes out tuesday.  I have been listening to his debut song on his web site, her eyes.  Give it a try, its good stuff.  patmonahan.net 

~teri

Current Location: home
Current Mood: good good
Current Music: Her Eyes, Pat Monahan

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 Well, today I canned tomatoes most of the day.  For those of you who have never done this, it is a very time consuming process.  But worth the work.  There is nothing like fresh tomatoes for sauce!!  

I have still been thinking about having another baby.  I am very tempted to tell my Dr, lets start lowering my meds.  I really can see us with another child.  Really.  But I never see the baby stage when I think of having another one.  I wonder if that means anything.  I would not mind adopting a child that is older, (3-4) but Peter does not want to adopt for his own reasons.  Which I can respect.  So, if there is to be another child, it needs to be from me.  I asked Peter about the room we lack in this house.  Where would we put another baby?  If the baby is a boy, when it gets old enough he can share with Sebastian, but if it's a girl, then she will need her own room.  The only other room we have is Peter's den.  I don't feel like taking it away from him.  I don't think it would be fair.  But if we have another, it seems the only thing to do.  Who knows.  We really want to move from here.  But with the housing market the way it is, there is just no hope in sight right now.  

Anywho, I am being called by Sebastian.  I gotta run.

~Teri

Current Mood: tired tired

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